Rogue Warrior

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Bethesda markets Rogue Warrior as a “character-driven first person shooter”, which is stretching the definition of character slightly. The game takes place in 1986, where North Koreans and Russians are doing sinister weapons research. This calls for our hero called Dick, who is ready to stop them, armed with an enormous amount of lovely one-liners like “Goddamn cock-breath commie motherfuckers”. It’s like poetry.

This game is only slightly better than the very worst a game can be. The music sounds like it’s from a free music library, but probably isn’t, while the graphics and audio also only meet the quality standard of free template assets. You know you’re in trouble when something as simple as “walking forward” feels bad. 

To the game’s credit, it only took me 109 minutes to complete. I was in the mood to play something that was total shit, and it certainly delivered exactly what I was hoping for. If you’re going to make a garbage game, this is the level you should aspire to hit at a minimum. I wasn’t bored by it, and it had the decency to end early. It also didn’t feel like some crap thrown together at random. 

They tried to make something coherent here, something that resembled a real game. But they didn’t have the means, talent or maybe even the will to make that happen. There’s a reason this game is consistently brought up as a legendary piece of crap 7 years after it came out, while thousands of other bad games are forgotten. It’s hard to put my finger on just what makes this memorable, but it’s the “right” kind of bad to leave an impression, which many mediocre games don’t. Maybe it’s simply the one-liners.